Motherhood Stress and Guilt

By Colleen Smith, M.Ed.

Let’s face it: motherhood can be stressful! While the position brings some of the best perks imaginable–the fun, the growth, the love–it also brings more than its share of work, frustration, stress, and guilt.  There is a lot of pressure placed on mothers from society, friends, and family which results in increased stress for the mother trying to measure up.  From the stress of trying to create perfect children to the guilt over what is and is not happening in the home these pressures can be detrimental to all involved.

Dueling Identities and Sacrifice

•          Research shows most mothers experience a pull between sacrificing for their children and honoring their own identities

Most women understand that sacrifice is an integral part to the definition of motherhood and they use it to construct their own good mother identities.  They ask themselves how much am I sacrificing? If the answer is a lot then they and others conclude they are a good mother.  Guilt emerges when they attempt to maintain their career or other identity outside of motherhood.  Most careers and other identities demand focus and when the woman focuses on her other identity she feels she is not focusing on motherhood, and perhaps not sacrificing enough, which subconsciously leads to guilt over not being a good mother.  I often have clients make a list of their values to give them clarity over what is important to them.  Seldom do people have a list with being a good mother as the only value, therefore it make sense for their focus to be spread among all of the identified important areas.  Stress and guilt are reduced when you live a life that reflects your values.

Lack of Me Time

•          The lack of me time sets the stage for stress

Motherhood is a demanding job and as is the case with any demanding job many hours of work are required to get the job done.  The result is often no time for self and ultimately burn out.  I often ask my clients about how many hours they worked if they had previous jobs or how many hours their partner works; nobody answers 24 hours a day!  So why then do mothers somehow conclude that they need to devote all of their waking hours to mothering obligations?  There is a lot of value in giving yourself permission to engage in non-mothering activity; think of it as an effective way to avoid the formation of stress.

Resentment

•          Lack of discretionary free time can contribute to a feeling of anger and resentment

The story is common; the woman sits across from me recounting the details of watching her partner get ready for work and describing her resentment, jealousy, anger, and abandonment.  Sometimes she responds by yelling, sarcasm, or silence but in all cases the emotion is mentally attached negatively to her partner.  Although she may not even want to have a job outside of the home and may thoroughly enjoy her mother role, her mind can’t help but glamorize her partner’s ability to walk out of the house into the adult world.  For some, anger results in depression.  Whatever its label it is a negative emotion that ends in resentment and resentment in a relationship causes damage.  Clients often find relief by acknowledging their resentment and seeing it as a normal byproduct of the situation not their partner.

Self-care

•          The antidote to stress is self-care

How can we nurture when we fail to recognize the need to nurture ourselves.  When we do take the time we can feel guilty.  How is the cycle broken then?  It has helped some of my clients to think of self-care as the prescription, “30 minutes of self-care at least once a week”.  The doctor’s order approach helps many women jump over the guilt hurdle so to all you readers out there, “30 minutes of self-care at least once a week”!  Think of self-care as a way to increase your ability to be the best mother you can be and relieve stress which benefits your whole family.